I am in a funk like no other right now. I am unhappy and irritable and disappointed, and yes, Jen, I AM taking my meds!! Most of my problems are things I can fix if I had the balls to, some of them are circumstantial, which at some point, were probably my fault as well.
I feel very alienated from my family, and I miss my Friends that I can’t see on a regular basis. I am in a very dull and unsatisfying relationship that I want out of, but when I say things like,” I am not happy, or I think I need a break”, they don’t seem to stick. Not sure if he just does not want to hear it or what the deal is, but “enough” seems to not hold much weight, or maybe I need to be mean? I don’t want to be mean or end things badly, I don’t think it’s necessary and I don’t want to lose his friendship, not that I am all that convinced that we are friends anyway..I don’t know.
He is like a fourthchild,(like Taco Bell’s Fourthmeal advertisement..it looks good, you want, it but don’t really need it) and I don’t need that shit. I have allowed this to turn into what it has evolved into, but now I feel like there is no way out. I wish I could do SOMETHING with grace and diplomacy like my sister does, but I’m not built like that. I envy her so much it hurts. She is everything I wish I was and know I can never be. We all say that we aren’t going to be like our parents were, and we mean it, but we always end up doing it anyway. Not her. She made a conscious choice long ago about who she was going to be in this world, and she owned it. She doesn’t get all wrapped up in other peoples drama, and I know she will tell me my post is bull shit, and I need to quit being a big wanker. I hate it when she does that because I really just need a mother who will tell me it’s going to be okay. I am not saying that what she does say and do has no value because it does, or that she should be my mother,(she is soooo good at it though) because it’s not her job.. I just prefer to have her say what I want to hear, and that’s not her way.
She said to me about my issues with Chloe, my oldest,” You need to be the mother she needs you to be.” But, I don’t know how. I need a mother, and I don’t have her anymore. My mom played such a vital role in her life that I don’t know how I fit. But I want to be the mom she needs and deserves. I wish mom was here so badly, and I wonder when it’s going to stop hurting so much. I did not have a great relationship with my mother, we were too much alike, and we both had to have the last word, but there were times when we really bonded and understood each other, and unfortunately they were too far and few between… I would like to think that if she was here, she would have some good advice for me, at least that makes me feel better.
It’s the holidays too. The “firsts” are coming up. The first thanksgiving, her first birthday, the first Christmas, all the firsts without her. Then on top of that is the first baby, not mine don’t freak, but my sister Mikki, is having her first baby, and I wanted to be happy for her, but as soon as she told me I was immediately sad. I started crying, not because I am not happy for her, but because I am sad that my mom wont be here to see it.
On a high note, Chloe and I had session three and it was very good. It was the first time she actually showed anger toward me in front of the Dr. and I was actually grateful for it! Finally someone can see things for what they truly are. I actually think I need the therapy more than my daughter does, but I will only say that here. After the appointment she came back to my house and had lunch and we watched a movie and it was nice. We talked about her grades, and how proud I was of her effort and good marks..she is a very good student, always has been. Next is once a week sleepovers, little steps toward wranggling her backinto the fold!
I have my second interview tomorrow for the site coordinator position with the traveling physicians, and I am really excited. I need this job, but will try not to act like I NEED THIS JOB!!! So pray for me or think good thoughts, I would like to feel good vibes during this interview.
I would truly benefit from having a girls weekend with my sister, I don’t know how she feels about it, but sometimes she is just the softest place to drop my stupid head. I hope someday I can do the same for her…whenever she decides it’s OK to drop a little, just not completely on her face like her lil’ sis!!
